drinking in the sight of him

the hopelessly clueless E *sigh* he must not know my thoughts when i gooey-ly stare at him everytime he talks while i pretend to listen. the glassy, mystified look in my eyes with mouth agape suggest a glitch in my sanity. he's got me high and he doesn't even know it.

one...two...three...action!

i productively spend my hours of commute recalling my self-directed ongoing fantasies, thinking 'where was i?'. these are daydreams exageratedly embroidered with my unrealistic desires, updating minor details everytime.

i usually cast myself as a young executive of a fortune 500 company or as a travel writer.

as a young executive, i will wear towering shoes as wearing flats is equal to commiting a mortal sin. i will walk fast, especially when passing by subordinates, as it signifies 'i'm busy because i'm important'. my blackberry will always be bonded to my ear as important people will be calling, needing my expert opinion or demanding my omnipresence. a lot of people will regard me highly because i earn more than they do and important people in the industry is in my phonebook.

as a travel writer, i'll be paid doing exactly what i've always wanted to do--drinking tequila in the whitest white beaches in the world. i will have hundred and one vintage swimwears, fashionable fedoras, and bug-eyed sunglasses tucked in my louis vuitton luggage. and because i'm in the media, resorts will shower me more freebies than i can waste. writing is not a problem, thanks to wordweb and google. i will wow my readers with my fancy adjectives and witty opinions.

i will then wrap it up with smiling eyes(yes!). no dull moments for me.

catch 22

it's careful admiration, a kind of liking new to me and i have been trying to stifle it as my imagined 'picture' can be daunting. to some, they may think it's the worst profanity. these 'some' have set their measures for me, unsolicited-ly. if i act beyond it, i'm damned and they will make me live my every day in guilt and shame. been there, done that.

the person joined the gang by osmosis, so as my admiration. i thought my stifling went fluid but everyone is little by little creating a fiasco. now my dreamed cloud nine is, er, clouded.

i did try to fend it off, my feelings. it was supposed to be easy. but gaaaad, it seems to be vine-ing.

so i say beseechingly, stop looking. i just want this free from judgment.

camouflage

my flippancy sometimes misleads ideas. if not, impressions. i'm only circumspect in my replies. c'mon. i'm not sure what "he said she said". i keep "arcanums" to myself. they're in titanic proportions, mind you. i'm not good with opening up. am sure a warning has been sent. some people consider me their confidante. yes, believe it or not. but when i'm intoxicated, i slip. at times, when i get the hang of "disclosing", my mouth just keeps on opening and talking, independent of my conscious and guilty mind.

i know one person in my past whom i consider my "inverse self". when he talked or i asked him about someone, i never just got the name, i got a potted CV. so typical of him. but his tendency to pretentiousness was just a kind of eccentricity and i found it rather endearing. whatever happened to him?